As a teen growing up in the church you learn that the shortest verse in the bible is John 11:35. For years, the significance of that verse was simply a bit of trivia or its ease of memorization and recall. It proved to be handy in the event of the ever-dreaded youth group pop quiz: “recite your favorite bible verse.”

“Jesus wept. ” ~ John 11:35

The novelty this verse had for me growing up caused me to ignore it while studying the Bible as an undergraduate and graduate student preparing for pastoral ministry. I took biblical studies seriously and had grown weary of the superficial treatment many Christians (myself included) had given the Bible over the years. It was not a book of trivia or novelty, but the words of life. So this verse from the Gospel of John was included in a list of oversimplified or overused verses that I mentally sequestered from real studies. This list included scriptures like Jeremiah 29:11, John 3:16, Philippians 4:13 . And John 11:35. These scriptures’ popularity and misuse made me hesitant to engage them as I attempted to be a “serious Bible scholar.”

Fast forward several years and I’m no longer trying to convince my professors or denominational leaders that I’m a serious scholar. Rather, for the past several years I served as lead pastor of a local congregation, tasked with caring for not only the people who walk through the church doors on a Sunday morning, but the community in which I find myself living. Pastoral ministry shapes an individual in a very peculiar way. It is probably safe to say that those of us who embrace the vocation of pastor have accepted that we are a bit different. But even so, we find ourselves continuing to be formed in unique ways by our engagement with the world.

For example, on more than one occasion I have found myself looking upon confused faces as I try to hurriedly explain why I just blurted out how much I love funerals.

There is a unique type of grace that is experienced through the process of saying goodbye to our loved ones. I marvel at the social dynamics that are present during these most precious moments. For a few hours or days, we are collectively given permission to grieve.

Most of the time our culture tells us that acknowledging pain, loss, or grief is a sign of vulnerability and weakness. But when we gather together acknowledging that we have lost a loved one, we become a small community that gives its members permission to mourn. There is a holy transparency and fellowship with funerals that most pastors work hard to develop in our congregations under more normal circumstances.

In these quickly fleeting moments where it is expected for one to be grieving, there is a freedom to be honest about our feelings. We can be honest with others, with ourselves, and with God. And by acknowledging our pains we receive grace, find comfort, and experience healing.

For the past several years I’ve wrestled with this idea of grieving as a practice in receiving grace. Experts in various fields will tell us that experiencing grief is normal and healthy. Yet I’ve observed some very real barriers to our participating in a healthy grieving process

1. Grieving makes us acknowledge our vulnerabilities and weakness while living in a culture that places it highest values upon strength and independence.
2. Grieving makes others uncomfortable because nothing that can be said or done offers a quick fix to the situation.
3. Grieving requires a space in which it is ok to operate at less than our best, yet our lives rarely have enough buffer or margin to not perform at 110%
4. Grieving requires people who engage others with empathy, grace, and compassion, even if they do not fully understand what we are experiencing
5. Grief can arise due to a variety of losses, not simply the death of a loved one, yet, collectively we as a society seem to have decided that death is the only acceptable source of grief worth acknowledging.

These barriers are very real and prevent us from acknowledging the profound losses we have experienced. And because we don’t acknowledge them we make it difficult for ourselves to receive the grace and healing that comes from mourning a loss in community with others.

Sadly, Christians not only have the barriers listed above, but have added additional (unhealthy and unbiblical) barriers preventing us from grieving for apparent spiritual reasons. For example:

1. Being a Christian means that we are supposed to be happy all the time
2. Grieving is evidence of a lack of faith or lack of trust
3. Grieving means we don’t understand that God is in control
4. Acknowledging feelings of loss means you are not acknowledging God’s blessings that you’ve received
5. Others may have experienced greater loss and to complain about your situation seems self-centered.

Despite the fact that most books in the Bible captured an individual or a community grieving some type of loss, Christians are hesitant to embrace those words of scripture as our own. We often have an unhealthy relationship with grief and a collective inability to mourn losses big and small.

Life is about growth and change, but it is also about loss and pain. Often it is easy to mask the loss with the hope of the future; to move on to the next thing without ever confronting our pain in the present. But time and again I have witnessed our society’s deep need to be led in mourning.

Not that long ago, actor Matthew Perry died and a few generations of people experienced that as a loss. For a moment, many amongst us had permission to mourn. Moments of recognition and honor filled the TV screens and social media alike.

Even some of his failures and faults were brought out and discussed in a respectful manner. As a society, we took a moment to acknowledge the passing of someone who shaped our cultural imagination for a season.

But it is not just with Matthew Perry that this happened. For some it was the death of Kobe Bryant a few years ago. Or Princess Diana. Or the death of Chester Bennington. Or Robin Williams. Or Neal Peart. Or Heath Ledger. And on we could go.

People we’ve never met, but who have had a collective impact on many of us. And because enough of us sense the loss it feels like we have permission to grieve, if only for a moment.

Through all of this, I’ve come to a conclusion that might seem obvious, yet it is still important to verbalize: if loss is a part of life, then so is grieving.

It does not indicate our lack of faith or hope in God. It does not mean that we don’t trust God in the future. It does not mean that we think we have suffered more than anyone else.

It means that we have experienced loss, felt the pain, and properly acknowledged that so we could honor the important things in our lives and at the same time begin a process of healing.

Jesus wept.

John chapter 11 is the story of Jesus finding out that his dear friend Lazarus was sick. Jesus had avoided the area where Lazarus lived because there were people trying to kill him the last time he was there.

In fact, when he heard the news about Lazarus, he did not immediately leave to go be with his friend, but rather stayed where he was for a few days. By the time Jesus did arrive, Lazarus had been dead for several days.

Jesus was met by grieving family members. It was at this moment, confronted by the loss of a friend and the pain and grief of close friends, that Jesus began weeping.

Jesus knew he was able to raise Lazarus. He knew that everything was going to be ok. He still trusted his Father.

Yet Jesus wept.

He experienced pain that comes from loss.

The Bible said he was deeply moved. It says he was deeply moved by the grieving family and again he was deeply moved as he approached the place where Lazarus was buried.

Many of us know the rest of the story; Jesus called for Lazarus to get up from the tomb. Lazarus raised to life and emerged alive. Jesus created a happy ending, yet in the moments when the loss was the most real and most present, Jesus wept.

“Jesus wept.”

Jesus knew that Lazarus would raise from the dead. Jesus knows that for many of us life will go on once this has all run its course. So let us not pretend that we are ok when we are not. Let us not ignore the losses that we are experiencing today. Let us not judge others when they express their pain.

John 11:35 is not the answer to a trivia question about what the shortest verse in the Bible is. It is the answer to the question about what God wants us to do when we experience real loss.

Cry.

Grieve with loved ones.

Speak the words out loud.

Write the words down.

Jesus tells us that God comforts those who mourn. God does not judge, condemn, mock, or punish us. Rather, God comforts us in our most vulnerable time. And I think, now, more than ever, it is important for us express our grief.

Jesus wept when he felt loss and pain.

He gives us permission to do so as well.