Have you ever known someone of which you thought the world, but they seemed not to think about you at all? This is someone that you respected, admired, or cared about deeply. The first thought might go to a romantic interest, but I’m talking about someone who might have been a mentor, a coworker, a teacher, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or family member as well. Regardless of the type of relationship, you found yourself identifying this person as someone who was important. You valued their contributions to the world but more specifically their presence in your life. This is a significant person in your life. Maybe you idolized them; wishing you could be more like them. This is someone who stands out in your mind.

I can think of many people over the years that I have looked to in this way. People who were really great at what they did; people who saw the world in a different way; people who I wished I could be more like. I was grateful in the moment for having the opportunity to share some space with them. They are my heroes and examples. And like I mentioned a moment ago, some of them were teachers and professors, while others were friends from school or work. And sometimes it was strangers who I just met, but because of the nature of the meeting, I found myself impressed by them.

But something almost always happened when I started assigning such high value to another person; I started putting high value on their opinions and actions; especially their opinion of me and there actions towards me. Because when I start seeing someone else as important and giving them high value, then what they think of me starts carrying more weight. So what started out as me respecting someone else often turned into an unfounded expectation that this other person was going to see me the same way I saw them. And through this process that I’ve repeated more times than I wish to admit, I’ve learned a hard lesson; there are few things more painful in life than caring deeply about someone else who doesn’t feel the same about you. You think they are great and you aren’t sure if they think about you at all. You are consumed by worry about their opinion of you and they may not have even taken the time to form an opinion.

I think this obviously shows up in romantic situations. You might care more than they do. You would give up anything for this other person, but they just act like you are just another person.

But I’m not just talking about romantic relationships today, even if that is the most obvious example. Because for me, this was less about being in a romantic relationship and more about being worthy of being noticed by the people whose opinions mattered more to me than anyone else. There are people that were a part of my life whose approval and attention would have been life changing had it been given. People who, if they just knew how important they were to me, could have propelled me forward with confidence and courage.

Do you know what I’m talking about? I feel like I”m having a hard time articulating it clearly. We end up desiring the most attention and approval from the people that are most important to us. And so I would read so much into every interaction. I would analyze their every word or action. My desire for attention or approval from this person revealed my deepest thoughts and fears about myself and my value.

I would move quickly from thinking “this person is important” to thinking “this person’s opinion of me is important.”

And then the next thing that would happen would be the hardest part; my insecurities and fears would start becoming ideas and emotions. Do you know what I”m talking about? The fear that I’m not good enough shows up and says, “why would someone that important, that amazing, that great, pay attention to me?” So what started out with my admiring or respecting someone else has now become an internal conversation about my value. They are special. So why would someone special notice me? Why would I expect their attention?

Maybe if I was better at something. Maybe if I stood out in the crowd more. Maybe if I was more successful, more skilled, more polished, more, more, more. Maybe if I was just more than I am. Have you had these thoughts? Have you experienced this feeling that you wished that someone would notice you, value you, pay attention to you, but they don’t. So you conclude that its your fault. You aren’t good enough. You start taking inventory of all the things that are wrong with you.

“If it wasn’t for my tendency to do this one thing… And maybe if I wasn’t terrible at this other thing… If it wasn’t for my background, my baggage, my weakness, my whatever… If I wasn’t so much like me, and more like someone else, THEN I’d be worth paying attention. If I didn’t have all these flaws then I would have value.”

And thats where today’s song for Alternative Truths comes in. The song is Creep by Radiohead. It is obviously sung from the perspective of a man overwhelmed with feelings for a woman. The song walks through this man’s feelings about this woman he desires, but more importantly its about his feelings about himself as a result of his feelings about her. So on the surface its a pretty straight forward song. But there’s something deeper happening here. It looks like its about her, but its really a song about him.

Even though Creep wasn’t met with instant popularity when it was released in 1992, it eventually grew to worldwide fame. And it didn’t become such a huge hit because it was a cute song about relationships. This song connected with something deeper and more powerful than a guy wishing his crush would date him. The song resonated with so many people that the band Radiohead actually got tired of it being requested and refused to play it for years.

So what about this song touched a deeper truth? The radio has been full of love songs and songs about crushes and unrequited love interests for years. Its probably the most popular topic. Yet this song seemed to be less about that and more about something else.

While I can’t speak for all of the Radiohead fans, I am able to speak to the what the song meant to me. Initially, this song, which I first heard in middle school, gave some words to the way that I felt at times.

“I don’t care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I’m not around
You’re so very special
I wish I was special “

But over time, this song helped me understand why the people who were the most important to me ended up being the people who seemed to control my emotional well-being, even though they actually had little to do with me on a regular basis. Why did I find myself needing approval or attention from someone who had no reason to give me either?

Over time I’ve learned that I actually do my best work when I’m not being noticed. I don’t like the spotlight or to be celebrated in front of the crowd.

And I’ve learned the importance to telling people that you see them. It may sound silly on a blog post, but in reality, it seems to make a difference.

“Hey, I know you probably didn’t think anyone noticed that thing you were doing, but I did, and I think it was great.” Paying attention and simply acknowledging the value and the goodness of the people around you can be affirming and life changing.

Of course the song doesn’t directly teach any of that. There’s no moral to it; no great lesson in the lyrics. But the song helped me understand my own feelings and my own desires. It connected with the fears and insecurities that lie deep within and brought them right to the front of my mind. It showed them to me and asked me what I was going to do with them. This song helped me confront a system in which I continued to let my insecurity define my identity.

And so today’s Alternative Truth was a hard lesson for me to learn; It is possible to care about someone without needing something in return from them. It is possible to have a mentor or someone who is important to you without desperately needing their approval. But more importantly, the lesson that I learned was that, just because someone didn’t treat me the way I wanted, it doesn’t mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Just because I’m not perfect, just because someone who I value doesn’t return the sentiment doesn’t mean that I’m, to use the words of Radiohead, a “creep or weirdo”. My worth and value is not measured by a person’s opinion of me, no matter how important I think they are.

And I would guess that I’m not the only one who has ever been caught up in this pattern of thought:

I like that person. I want them to like me. Why don’t they like me? Its because there’s something wrong with me. I must not be worth liking.

This song puts it all out there in front of us and says “here is your fear and insecurity. What are you going to do with it?”

Today’s Alternative Truth: Creep by Radiohead

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