“I’m a good person.” or “People just don’t know what I’m going through.”

As much as I like to think that I’m a logical, rational, and methodical person there are moments that show up every now and then that remind me thats not the case. I’m impulsive. I trust my instincts and my feelings. I feel and sense my way through the day. And when I am doing well, it can be an amazing blessing to live that way. I sometimes can identify things in people that others overlook. I can sometimes get a feel for whats going to happen before it does because I can read people well. I have seen God use this intuitive nature of mine many ways.

But when I’m not focused, not taking care of myself, or not in a good place personally, this intuition and impulsiveness becomes emotional reaction at its worst. Its easy for fear, ambition, anxiousness, and personal desires to inform these reactions. Instead of sensing and hearing what is going on around me, the internal voices and noises get louder and I start reacting and responding based upon that. And when that happens, I am left wrestling with the reality that I’ve responded or reacted in a way that I wish I hadn’t.

And thats where those two statements I made at the beginning come into play – justifying my actions that, now, after the fact, I’ve realized were not the right things to do. Now there are moments where the results of my actions aren’t what I was hoping for, but I still believe that I did the right thing for the right reason; not every good deed is rewarded with a positive result. I can’t control the world or other people. And so sometimes I’ll say that I’d do the same thing again given the chance because I still believe it was the right thing. But I’m writing today about the moments where I look in the mirror and ask, “why did I do that? Thats not who I am. What is wrong with me?”

In my last blog post I spoke a bit about my Dad’s death when I was just sixteen years old. I did a lot of emotional reacting after that; fights at home. Strained friendships. I was a mess inside and acted like it often. I said things and did things that, when I looked in the mirror at the end of the day, I saw a huge disconnect between who I knew I was and the way I was acting. In my reactions to the world around me, I said and did hurtful things. There were moments where, as I was saying or doing something, I had this internal voice saying, ” this isn’t who you are.” But I did it or said it anyways. And then after the moment, I would isolate myself from everyone else and then wrestle with the fact that my actions didn’t line up with who I wanted to be.

And thats when I’d tell myself, “I’m a good person. I mean well.” So even if things didn’t work out how I expected, at least I could still trust my motivations, right? I’m not actually the type of person who would say and do hurtful things. Thats what I would tell myself after saying and doing hurtful things. I’m a good person, so everyone will understand that I wasn’t trying to hurt other people with my words or actions, right? I would give myself a pass. I would excuse myself and distance myself from my actual actions, because I never intended to react in such a way. I’d remind myself I was a good person and in this weird situation I was creating, I felt more assured of myself, more justified, after saying and doing harmful things because I would convince myself that the problem wasn’t me, but something or someone else.

“People just don’t know what I’m going through.” That was the “go to” statement when I couldn’t convince myself that my motivations were good. The worse my own attitudes and actions became, the more heavily I leaned upon this justification. And what made this effective was that it was true. People actually didn’t understand how much I was struggling. So when I would overreact to a situation with anger, when I would say hurtful things to prove a point or win an argument, when I would let irrational fear consume my mind, I could either own up to my actions or justify them by leaning upon the excuse that I was hurting. More often than not I chose the excuse. I was actually really good at justifying my behaviors. My mom told me I should be politician because of how easily I could manipulate the truth and distort reality to absolve myself of responsibility.

But the self justification never dealt with the fact that, when I looked in the mirror or when I replayed my day in my head, I hated who I was, how I treated people, the things I said. I survived the moment, I won the argument, but felt like I was actually losing myself in the the justifying of my behavior. Instead of becoming more like the person I wanted to be, I was providing excuses to remain a broken person who projected that hurt onto others. I knew thats not who I was or wanted to be. So no matter how good of a person I told myself I was, or no matter how much I knew I was struggling and hurting, those justifications never dealt with the guilt and shame of being the person who hurt others.

And thats where today’s Alternative Truth shows up in my life. In a brief moment, I found the words that confronted the hardness of my heart. I heard a way forward when I felt like I would forever be stuck in this broken condition. And despite growing up in the church, despite attending Sunday School and worship services for years, it was a song by the punk band Social Distortion that taught me the redemptive healing of confession and contrition. Today’s Alternative Truth is “I Was Wrong” by Social Distortion. I heard this song on my stereo late one night and it said things I wish I could say, but either didn’t know how or didn’t have the courage. I know this will sound dramatic and overstated, but this song saved me from myself.

These alternative punk rockers from Orange County became my priests who led me into confession. I played this song almost daily for a very long time; like years. It was a liturgy that led me to name my brokenness, acknowledge my own sins and own them, and then provide a way forward. At first, my confessions were just between me and my cd player. But over time, I learned to say I was sorry. I learned that my response to hurting others should not be to justify myself, but to humbly offer myself to them asking for forgiveness. I still wrestle with pride and self-justification. At some level I think we all do. Its hard not to when we live in a culture that preaches self-justification as a virtue. But all it takes is my hearing the opening three seconds of distorted guitar feedback from this song that I’m sharing today, and I’m reminded that being loving is better than being right, that being honest with myself is better than being perfect, and that confessing my sins is better than justifying them. And so here now is the second example of Alternative Truths:

“When I was young, I was so full of fear
I hid behind anger, held back the tears
It was me against the world, I was sure that I’d win
The world fought back, punished me for my sins
I felt so alone, so insecure, I blamed you instead and made sure I was heard
And they tried to warn me of my evil ways
But I couldn’t hear what they had to say”

---